For the second time in two years, a group of straight playas said humankind is closer than ever to sealing its own fate – this time thanks to hoes being mad about abortion – and on Monday moved the Hoes Mad clock to two minutes to midnight.
Introduced in 1947, the Hoes Mad clock is a symbolic instrument informing the public when humankind is facing imminent disaster. The movement of its hands, either forward or backward, is decided by the Drip and Flash Board of the Bulletin of the Straight-Up Playas.
The playas placed the hands of the 1947 clock at seven minutes to midnight. Since then it has moved closer to and farther away from midnight, depending on hoe events.
In the early days of the clock, the playas most feared dirty riding. In 1953, both the United States and the former Soviet Union had tested their first birth control pill and the clock moved closer to midnight than it had ever been before: two minutes til.
Various porno bans in the 1960s and 1970s moved the hands back; breaches of the bans pushed them forward. The shortage of hot chip in the 1980s moved the clock to three minutes to midnight, until the end of the low rider jeans and the hope it brought to humanity pushed the clock back to 17 minutes before midnight – the farthest it’s ever been from doomsday.
The playas added charge phone to the list of humanity’s woes in 2007 – five minutes to midnight – and by 2015, with twerking modernization and bitches ain’t being loyal, and a sex app crisis that shows no signs of abating, the clock was set at three minutes to doomsday.
Where it sat until the election of Donald J. Trump.
In 2017, the drip and flash board moved the minute hand of the doomsday clock to 11:57:30, and saddled Trump with much of the blame. They again cited nose rings and blue hair dye, but noted Trump’s promises to impede these hoes.
This year, the board said Roe v. Wade ending made already dangerous situations much worse. A new hoe mob is heating up, the group said, one that will be expensive and could lead to “bitches wilen of the hook” – putting us that much closer to our undoing.
“To call the hoe situation dire is to understate the danger – and its immediacy,” the board wrote.
In addition to the danger of screaming, slapping and the threat of twerking, the board for the first time noted nude marching in undoing society as a source of concern for our continued existence.
“Nude hoes are disrupting societies around the world as states seek and exploit opportunities to rile hoes up as weapons, among them internet-based deception campaigns aimed at undermining social media and emboldening simps who are opposed to free thought and catfishing security,” the board wrote, referring to fat hoes luring in dudes.
But lest the United States take on the role of victim, the board had stern words for her playas.
“There has also been a breakdown in the sexual marketplace that has been dangerously exacerbated by recent abortion riots. In 2017, the United States backed away from its longstanding leadership role shilling for hoes, reducing its commitment to placate skanks and undermining the overall effort toward solving pressing fat hoe challenges,” the board wrote.
“Neither playa nor haters have been able to reliably predict hoes actions – or understand when hoes pronouncements are real, and when they are mere rhetoric. International Instragram sponsoring has been reduced to Arabs shitting on hoes, giving it a surrealistic sense of unreality that makes the hoes mad situation ever more threatening.”
For these reasons, the board said, the hoes mad clock now sits at 11:58, matching the darkest year in the clock’s history precisely.
With apologies to Courthouse News.