In his Memorial Day speech, President Joe Biden admitted that the Duke of Earl cannot be stopped, but he has seemingly walked this back, publishing an op-ed in the New York Times on Wednesday ordering an intergovernmental panel to convene and come up with solutions on how to stop the Duke once and for all.
“As he walks through this world, no one can stop the Duke of Earl,” Biden told the crowd. “We can’t do it. We tried, and we can’t stop him, folks,” he added.
This admission came after the Pentagon issued a memo in March ordering all military forces to cease and desist attempts to stop the Duke of Earl.
However, Biden’s statements were viewed as a type of surrender by bipartisan forces, with Liz Cheney and Chuck Schumer leading the charge for their respective parties in demanding that Biden reinvest resources in attempts to stop the Duke of Earl.
By Tuesday, the White House was already beginning to walk the statements back. Fox News correspondent Peter Doocy asked White House press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre if Biden’s statements amounted to an admission of defeat in the long-running US campaign to stop the Duke of Earl.
“I think what the president meant to say is that we are putting a pause on attempts to stop the Duke, which we may return to in the future, right? Right now, the president is trying to focus on gun control and building more windmills, right? So, while this administration has always remained committed to stopping the Duke of Earl, right, we are recognizing that we have other priorities, right?”, Jean-Pierre responded, seemingly clashing with Biden’s definitive statement that the Duke cannot be stopped.
“So, let me just be clear here,” Doocy replied, “is the official policy of the White House that they intend to stop the Duke of Earl at some point in the future, or has the president effectively surrendered to the Duke?”
“Look, this White House has always been committed to fixing discrimination in housing, to closing the gender pay gap, and to making sure that trans kids have the care they need. Next question,” Jean-Pierre said. Many Republican Duke hawks saw this as ducking the question.
“I’m not going to try to unravel the nature of the chain of authority at the White House,” Ted Cruz later told Fox News. “Maybe the White House is once again walking back Biden’s statements, or maybe Ms. Jean-Pierre doesn’t understand the policy. What we know for a fact is that this president has no concrete plan to stop the Duke of Earl as he walks through this world.”
On the left, Cenk Uygur pointed out that both Biden and Donald Trump had said this same line: “we can’t stop him, folks.”
“So here you have a Republican, Donald Trump, who is a racist misogynist, and Joe Biden, who is a person who was elected to office by the Democrats, and they’re both saying the same thing: no one can stop the Duke of Earl. Meanwhile, we have Aaron Mate on Twitter, celebrating the fact that the government is not even going to try to stop the Duke of Earl anymore. You know who else is supporting the Duke? The Daily Stormer, which is a neo-Nazi site. So, that’s it – surrender. And supposedly “left wing” people are lining up with the far-right to celebrate that the US government is just going to let the Duke of Earl continue to walk through this world with no consequences,” Uygur exclaimed, passionately, with sweat pouring down his brow.
Joe Biden seems to have heard the cries of the public. On Wednesday, he penned an op-ed in the New York Times reversing his position on the Duke.
In the article, Biden explained that he is putting together a team of government officials, weapons experts, and scientists to figure out a way to stop the Duke of Earl. Biden suggested that though military and intelligence experts have said that the Duke is not susceptible to any of the weapons we currently have, emerging technologies could hold the secret to stopping the Duke of Earl. Specifically, Biden vowed to invest $80 billion into the development of an antimatter laser, which could be fired at the Duke from outer space.
“The Duke of Earl Locational Triangulation System (DELTS), developed under Ronald Reagan, has continued to track the global movements of the Duke as he walks through this world. Experts tell me that we are able to pinpoint his location 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. If we are able to install an antimatter laser on a satellite, we stand a good chance of finally stopping him,” Biden wrote.
However, while an antimatter weapon has been proposed in science fiction, none has ever been under development by the Pentagon, and many believe such a weapon is impossible to make. In 2017, Donald Trump ordered an investigation into the cost of developing a space-based antimatter laser. Former Attorney General William Barr later claimed that Trump wanted to use the weapon to incinerate unaccompanied minors attempting to cross the border to find safety. The Pentagon delivered a report saying that the weapon would cost “at least one thousand trillion dollars.”
What’s more, when asked during a Congressional hearing in January whether a space-mounted antimatter cannon could stop the Duke of Earl, Pentagon Chief Lloyd Austin answered, “I doubt it. As far as we are aware, nothing can stop the Duke of Earl.”
On Wednesday night, Fox News host Tucker Carlson asked: “what are we doing? What is the goal in trying to stop the Duke of Earl from walking through this world? And just how much is the Biden administration willing to spend?”
He went on: “Americans are facing one of the greatest economic crises in this country’s history. Tens of thousands of Americans are dying every year from opioid overdoses. People are poorer and dirtier than they’ve been in living memory, and yet all this government can talk about is the Duke of Earl. This goes for Republicans too. Lindsey Graham today congratulated Joe Biden on his plan to spend billions on developing a theoretical weapon from science fiction to stop the Duke of Earl. How does the Duke of Earl walking through this world affect the lives of the American people? How many of Lindsey Graham’s constitutes would list ‘stopping the Duke of Earl’ among their list of concerns? A recent survey done by FiveThirtyEight showed that even among liberal Democrats, stopping the Duke of Earl does not rank in their top 10 list of concerns. So, those are the same people who just last year were putting anti-Duke signs in their front yards, and they now believe they have much more immediate problems. Their decadent little social-signaling campaigns aren’t so important when they’re worried about the stock market collapsing.”
Tucker then brought on Tulsi Gabbard, introducing her and claiming that “if you were still in Congress, you’d be getting smeared as a supporter of the Duke of Earl. Tulsi Gabbard, do you support the Duke of Earl?”
“Thank you, Tucker, and no, I do not support the Duke of Earl,” Gabbard said. “What I support is the American people, and the American people do not benefit from these ongoing campaigns to stop the Duke of Earl. All the intelligence analysts who have been asked to put together a plan to stop the Duke of Earl have come to the same conclusion: nothing can stop the Duke of Earl.”
“Right, so you have to wonder, whose interest is this serving?” Tucker asked.
“Tucker, I think as you and I both know, there is a revolving door in Washington, with special interest lobbies and defense contractors going in and out of the government. Biden’s Secretary of Defense was formerly employed by Raytheon, a company that has made over two trillion dollars on government contracts trying to stop the Duke of Earl. They’ve failed consistently, and now Biden is talking about a space-based antimatter laser that the Pentagon says will cost 1,000 trillion dollars. We need to put the American people first, and stop concerning ourselves with the Duke of Earl and his madcap escapades.”
Tucker then brought on Blexit CEO Candace Owens to weigh in on Biden’s reversal on the Duke question.
Owens said: “Tucker, the American people do not care about the Duke of Earl, and black Americans do not care about him either. What the American people want to see is an end to this woke agenda and the endless wars. You know Tucker, LL Cool J had a song called ‘Too Legit to Quit,’ and the Democrat Party is not legit and they need to quit. Black people are leaving the Democrat plantation in record numbers. Instead of trying to stop the Duke of Earl with an antimatter laser, the Biden Administration should be focused on trying to drastically increase the black birthrate, so that future generations won’t have to worry about the racist Democrat policies of eugenics.”
“Well, that’s exactly right, and I’m glad you’re out there saying it,” Tucker agreed.
Nervous Democrats are arguing that the only way they are going to be able to hold the Congress in the upcoming midterms is if they make concrete steps in trying to stop the Duke of Earl, while Republicans are also basing their platform on stopping the Duke.
“I think we are all in agreement that the most important thing going on in the world right now is the Duke of Earl walking through this world,” top Senate Republican Mitch McConnell said at a press conference Wednesday. He went on to congratulate Joe Biden on changing course, but said that $80 billion is “nowhere near enough.” McConnell added that this election is going to be a referendum on Joe Biden’s ability to stop the Duke.
Meanwhile, the Duke himself continued to walk through this world, stopping in Moscow to perform his viral song “Duke of Earl” before a stadium crowd. Outside the sold-out show, tens of thousands of Russians gathered, waving the red flag of the Soviet Union and chanting their support for the Duke.
Earlier this month, Putin was asked whether or not he supports the Duke, and refused to give a definitive answer, stating instead that Russia does not have a policy of enforcing their values on the rest of the world like those in Washington. However, since then, he has met with the Duke at least three times, including at an event in Beijing where the Duke held a joint press conference with a spokesperson for the Chinese Communist Party, who referred to the Duke as “an important partner.”
Even countries once aligned with the West are taking a softer stance on the Duke, with India in May refusing to denounce him even after repeated badgering by the United States. Prime Minister Modi issued a statement saying that “the Duke of Earl does not present a clear threat to Indian security.” He added that “the Americans have admitted that there is no way to stop the Duke of Earl, and yet they expect Indians to go along with their hopeless campaign.”
Allied countries remain committed to the American program to stop the Duke of Earl, with Ursula von der Leyen stating this week that “the future of humanity rides on our ability to stop the Duke of Earl as he walks through this world.”
The Secretary General of the United Nations, Antonio Guterres, also hailed Biden’s renewed commitment to stop the Duke, saying, “the whole of the international community stands united, saying with one voice that if we do not stop the Duke of Earl, the entire fabric of the universe will come unwound and dissolve into nothingness as it was before the Big Bang.”